#ThingsJesusNeverSaid

Let’s go ask the Prince of Peace

the star of the Good Book and the Leader of the Club

Who he wants to kill.

Mafia, who do you want to kill?

He points to Gandhi

Because he’s no Christian.

And so his groupies

Stab Gandhi in the heart.

They pay their first month’s mortgage,

On Heaven’s eternal timeshare.

Hey, they’re falling behind!

“I have an idea!” Jesus says.

“Let’s tattoo the land.

Take your best Sharpies,

Take your best needles!

Go to war, if you must,

Draw what you feel is yours!

And if you encounter a neighsayer,

He must work for Satan.

Draw a line between his eyes,

And drain his blood for yourself.”

And on the Ninth Day,

Lines were drawn,

Eyes were gouged,

And the real Christians,

Covered in the

Blood

Of their brothers,

First learned

The sort of Peace that they liked best.

“Good!” The Prince said.

“Keep going!” he insisted.

“Take your needles and drain the blood of your land.

Take it for yourselves.

It is only right for my chosen people.”

His disciples turned into a flock of birds,

Sticking their parasitic beaks into places

Where they did not belong.

And,

Before we knew it,

God’s Earth was dry,

Save for the veins emptied,

And the blood of Man

Spilled,

For the sake of His maps.

“Thanks be to God we finally understand Peace!”